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cutting losses.
Aug. 20th, 2007 07:42 pmOof. My anxiety over needing to end this relationship apparently has been shielding me somewhat from the emotional ramifications of everything. Now it's hitting me all at once, and I feel pretty cruddy that I wasn't worth the effort to him (in actions, not words). It's never that easy, I know, but when we discussed why we were having such a hard time, I specifically stated that I needed to not be the person going to him all the time, that I needed him to be willing to hang out with my friends, too. He said that wasn't unreasonable, but then never followed through, despite invitations. He said he needed more time with me, but that was the caveat- that he was responsible for making that possible.
OK, that's not true- when I invited him to come see Joe's band with me, and hang out afterwards, he bussed all the way to uptown after work... only to sit outside smoking, then refuse to hang out afterwards because he "wasn't comfortable hanging out with people he didn't know." Which is all I'd been doing with him for six months.
It makes me so sad that he was just willing to let it drop off the face of the earth. It makes me so angry that we had a dynamic where I didn't want to talk to him for fear of his reaction. I am confused that he said he thought the world of me, but when it came down to hanging out, it was his way or no way at all. I am frustrated that he said he was trying to be less under the control of his schedule, yet my schedule was vilified as something holding us back. It depresses me to no end that someone who has been such a big factor in my life has turned into someone that I'm well rid of.
Also, it really pisses me off that I couldn't stand to be near him, but now I really want a hug from him. Or maybe to punch him in the gut. Possibly both.
the hedge abides.
OK, that's not true- when I invited him to come see Joe's band with me, and hang out afterwards, he bussed all the way to uptown after work... only to sit outside smoking, then refuse to hang out afterwards because he "wasn't comfortable hanging out with people he didn't know." Which is all I'd been doing with him for six months.
It makes me so sad that he was just willing to let it drop off the face of the earth. It makes me so angry that we had a dynamic where I didn't want to talk to him for fear of his reaction. I am confused that he said he thought the world of me, but when it came down to hanging out, it was his way or no way at all. I am frustrated that he said he was trying to be less under the control of his schedule, yet my schedule was vilified as something holding us back. It depresses me to no end that someone who has been such a big factor in my life has turned into someone that I'm well rid of.
Also, it really pisses me off that I couldn't stand to be near him, but now I really want a hug from him. Or maybe to punch him in the gut. Possibly both.
the hedge abides.
