I miss you

[hedgiewan]

In the way of all things stunningly obvious, life is both amazing and hard. Amazing for cats who greet you at the door and for living above-ground again and sunsets and being able to buy shiny things and eat out just because I worked a little more than usual, and for getting to see my bosom friends again soon. But hard because I still feel like I'm being told that I don't get to grieve for Shervie because someone else is, and for getting rotated away from a good psych resident to a haphazard one, and for our constant and worsening underfunding of the sciences.

In that last vein, at least, you can listen to me rant on the Geeks Without God podcast (http://geekswithoutgod.com/) in a few weeks. We're set to record early next month, so check back in mid January, maybe?

I'll try not to make too many jokes about how they're clearly scraping the bottom of the barrel if they're interviewing me. Instead, I choose to be horribly offended that they interviewed that pompous asshole, 433, before me. What a bunch of jerks.

You should listen to their podcast anyway.

the hedge abides.

Comments

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

You get to feel how you feel. Anyone who says otherwise is making shit up.

[hedgiewan.livejournal.com]

I should be more clear:
1) I am surrounded by people who don't know him and don't know what we were to each other and I'm struggling with them not understanding or remembering the extent of my grief. It's weird, but I need people to understand that if I'm crying, it's probably about Shervie.
2) I feel like my presence in his life is erased from the official record. We spent our entire adult lives loving each other, but because I'm not the person he married (and someone else is), there were no pictures of the two of us at the memorial. I am shocked at how strong my reaction to this is. I am disappointed in everyone who thinks that he&I takes something away from him&her.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

I am giving whoever arranged that memorial the side eye.

So basically, you're a widow, but due to various whatever, people don't know and it's hard for you to talk about?

That, she said understatedly, sucks.

If going out for a drink and telling me your stories would help, I am up for it. I have never had anyone go and die on me, but I have had a few "well, I thought *that* was going to last forever"'s under my belt, so I have endless opinions about grief and rebuilding.

[hedgiewan.livejournal.com]

You know, for all of that, I'm less offended if his wife needed that than if people assumed she needed that. I think she actually did. It hurts, a lot, but her hurt is just as important.

I feel more like a weird alternate-ending to Romeo and Juliet than like a widow.